It’s December 23rd. You’re behind on wrapping, the house isn’t clean enough, you haven’t finished your shopping, and you’re already exhausted from trying to make everything perfect. The cookies didn’t turn out Instagram-worthy. The decorations look rushed. You’re convinced this whole holiday is going to be a disaster because you couldn’t execute your vision of the perfect Christmas.
Here’s what a therapist wants you to know: you’re focused on the wrong thing entirely. The stress you’re experiencing right now — the panic, the self-judgment, the feeling that you’re failing — comes from chasing perfection instead of prioritizing what actually matters. And what actually matters can be summed up in three words: connection over perfection.
Psychotherapist Niro Feliciano calls this her holiday mantra, and it’s rooted in decades of research showing that meaningful social connection is one of the most powerful predictors of health, happiness, and longevity. Not perfect decorations. Not elaborate meals. Not flawlessly wrapped gifts. Connection.
What You’re Actually Missing While Making Things Perfect
The Harvard Study of Adult Development — one of the longest-running studies on human happiness — found that people who were most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. More striking: relationship satisfaction at 50 was a better predictor of physical health at 80 than cholesterol levels.
Let that sink in. The quality of your connections matters more for your long-term health than your medical markers. Yet during the holidays, we sacrifice connection at the altar of perfection constantly. We stress over cooking elaborate meals instead of enjoying the people we’re cooking for. We obsess over decorations instead of being present with family. We exhaust ourselves shopping for perfect gifts instead of simply spending time together.
Feliciano writes that during the holidays, “meaningful connection with others is what we often lack.” When we’re occupied with doing and decorating, buying and baking, we don’t have the time or energy for real connection. The irony is brutal: we’re destroying the very thing that makes holidays meaningful in our quest to make them look perfect.
The Research You Need Right Now
Social connection isn’t just nice to have — it’s a biological necessity. Research shows that loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of premature mortality by almost 30 percent each. The U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory in 2023 calling loneliness a public health crisis, noting its health impacts rival those of smoking or obesity.
The flipside is equally powerful. Strong social connections protect us from stress, strengthen immune systems, and promote faster recovery from illness. People with meaningful relationships report higher life satisfaction, better mental health, and greater resilience when facing challenges. None of this comes from having a spotless house or perfectly coordinated wrapping paper.
How to Actually Do This
Knowing you should prioritize connection over perfection is one thing. Actually doing it when you’re two days from Christmas and everything feels urgent is another. Here’s what it looks like in practice.
Set out platters instead of cooking an elaborate meal. Use store-bought cookies instead of spending hours baking from scratch. Let the decorations be “good enough” rather than magazine-perfect. These aren’t shortcuts or failures — they’re strategic decisions that preserve your energy for what actually creates holiday memories.
Feliciano suggests choosing specific moments during the holidays to slow down and focus on connection. Maybe it’s deciding to sit and talk with your sister instead of rushing around the kitchen. Maybe it’s playing a game with the kids rather than perfecting the table setting. Maybe it’s accepting help when someone offers instead of insisting on doing everything yourself.
The goal isn’t to abandon all standards or stop caring about creating a nice environment. It’s to stop letting perfection become the barrier to presence. When you catch yourself spiraling about something not being perfect, ask: is fixing this worth missing out on actual time with the people I love?
What You’ll Remember Ten Years From Now
Nobody looks back on holidays and remembers that the house was immaculate or the meal was flawless. They remember laughing so hard they cried. They remember the conversation that went deeper than usual. They remember feeling genuinely seen and heard by someone who matters.
The elaborate white elephant game Feliciano hosts with close friends every year? That’s her favorite holiday tradition not because it’s executed perfectly, but because it creates space for laughter and vulnerability. Those moments of authentic connection are what stick.
You have two days until Christmas. You can spend them in a stress spiral trying to make everything perfect, or you can make a different choice. Let some things be imperfect so you have the energy to show up for the moments that actually matter. Set out store-bought appetizers and enjoy the conversation. Skip the fancy wrapping and focus on the people you’re giving to.
Connection over perfection. Say it when you’re tempted to redo something that’s already good enough. Say it when you’re considering one more errand that will drain what’s left of your energy. Say it when you catch yourself valuing appearance over presence.
The perfect holiday doesn’t exist. But meaningful connection does, if you stop sacrificing it in pursuit of perfection.